A friend won't pay you back: how to get your money without losing the friendship
The hard part isn't the first reminder, it's the second one. Here is what to do once you have asked and the money still hasn't come back.
6 min read
You asked. They said “sure, I'll get it to you next week”. Three weeks later, nothing. And now it's worse than before, because you have already used up your first reminder: a second one sounds like pressure, and their silence is starting to look like consent.
This moment comes up constantly and almost nobody talks about it. The guides stop at how to ask a friend to pay you back the first time. The real problem starts the day after that first ask didn't work.
This piece is about organisation, not debt collection. There isn't a single line here about small claims court, formal demands or deadlines: at the amounts we are talking about, that road costs more than it's worth, and it ends the friendship for certain. What's here instead is what actually works between people who want to keep talking to each other.
Why it drags on
It's rarely bad faith, and that is the most important thing to understand, because it sets the tone of everything you write.
An amount with no date doesn't exist. “I'll pay you back soon” isn't a commitment, it's an intention. There is no day on which anything happens, so there is no day on which anyone feels late. Forty euros with no deadline can hang in the air for a year.
Embarrassment keeps people quieter than forgetfulness does. Very often the other person remembers perfectly well. They simply can't pay you back right now and don't know how to say so, because admitting it is harder than saying nothing. The longer they stay quiet, the harder it gets to speak up, and that creates a spiral where both people are waiting for the other one to move.
Everyone remembers a different number. You remember sixty euros, they remember “about fifty”, and you are both being honest. Without a shared record, every conversation starts by negotiating the figure, which is the worst possible opening: it turns paying someone back into an argument about facts.
Before you write anything, check three things
Five minutes here saves you a week of awkwardness.
Are you sure of the amount, and can you show it? Not “roughly that much”, but a number you can back up: a receipt, a photo of the bill, a transfer confirmation. If you can't, start there rather than with a reminder.
Do they even know they still owe you? This happens more often than you'd think, especially when money has gone back and forth a few times. If they bought dinner while you bought the tickets, they may think you're even in a way that you don't.
Is this really about the money? If something else has been building up between you for the past six months, this amount will only be a pretext, and the conversation will go somewhere else anyway. In that case it's better to separate the two things and start with the other one.
The second reminder: short, with a date, with a way out
Three elements, and each one does something specific.
Short, because a long explanation reads like an indictment. Two sentences are enough, and every extra sentence weakens it.
With a date, because that's the one thing missing the first time. Not “whenever you can”, but a specific day, ideally one you propose yourself.
With a way out, meaning the option to pay in instalments or to push the date back. That's usually what unblocks things, because it lets the other person say “I can't right now” without losing face.
When to let it go, and how to do it properly
There's no point reminding someone forever. After two reminders spaced out over time, and after offering instalments, you have all the information you need: either they can't or they won't, and in both cases another message won't change anything.
At that point you're choosing between the money and the relationship, and it's better to choose deliberately than to let it drag. Writing the amount off is a decision, not a defeat: it closes the matter on your side instead of leaving it open for months.
But writing the amount off isn't the same as pretending nothing happened. The only sensible takeaway is a practical one: don't front money for that person again. Next time everyone pays their own share on the spot, and there's no need to announce it or explain it.
What none of this should have been necessary for
Every sentence in this piece is damage control. It's making up for a gap that opened much earlier: nobody was keeping a shared record, you included.
When the accounts are kept as you go and both people can see them, the reminder stops being necessary, and not because anyone is being forced into anything. What made the situation unpleasant disappears: there's no longer a person doing the chasing and a person being chased. There's a number they both see the same way, and neither of them has to defend it.
That is exactly what Kotisso is for. Everyone records what they paid, in ten seconds, on the spot. Everyone can see their own balance without having to ask anyone's permission, and the balances in a group always add up to zero: there's no version of events to agree on. You can attach a photo of the receipt to an expense, so the amount is never “from memory”. At the end, the app shows you the shortest way to settle up, meaning the smallest possible number of transfers.
If the situation is delicate, the whole set of accounts can be exported to a spreadsheet or a PDF and simply sent over. A document with every line itemised can be discussed calmly; a figure quoted from memory has to be defended.
Everything to do with settling up is free, and Kotisso never touches the money: it doesn't lend, it doesn't chase people on your behalf, and it doesn't recover anything. It keeps the accounts, you do the rest.
Common questions
How many times is it reasonable to remind someone? Twice, at least two weeks apart, with an offer of instalments the second time. A third message doesn't get you the money, it gets you a falling-out.
Is it acceptable to ask for something in writing when lending money to a friend? For larger amounts, yes, and it doesn't come across as suspicious at all if you say it right when you make the transfer rather than after the fact. One message with the amount and the repayment date, kept by both of you, is enough. Asking for something in writing three months later is already an accusation.
What if it's only a few euros? The question isn't about the amount, it's about how often you think about it. Five euros you come back to every week deserves one sentence; fifty euros you have genuinely forgotten about deserves none.
Someone hasn't paid me back and we're still going on trips together. What do I do? Don't mix the two. Close the old balance separately, and start the new trip with a clear rule: we settle up on Sunday evening, same for everyone. A deadline set at the start is never taken as a lack of trust; the same deadline introduced halfway through will be.
Can this be avoided altogether? Largely, yes, and it's not about distrust. Two things are enough: record the expense straight away, somewhere everyone can see it, and agree on a settling-up day in advance. Then there's no loan, just a record of who owes what to whom that closes itself.